Friday, March 30, 2012

This Is Not A Thesis

One year ago today, the inspiring woman whose words you are reading right now had the opportunity to expand the minds of her peers and instructors. She pushed the boundaries of traditional academia. She challenged the stuffy, unyielding rigors of the culminating project.

She almost didn't graduate from college.

That sure sounds like my fearless, rebellious self, doesn't it? Yeah, right.

Apparently, presenting my delightful powerpoint presentation and successfully not falling flat on my face was only a part of the gauntlet I was forced to run as I defended my Undergraduate Thesis. My project inspired a "productive discussion about what it means to be a thesis" within the group of faculty members asked/forced to participate.

Soooo...what you're saying is that after approving my proposal five months earlier and allowing me to turn in a 50 page manuscript with multiple mixed up deadlines, you then argued if it was even legit? That's awesome.

Yes, I was so proud of myself and that was definitely not the exact opposite of what I ever wanted to hear.

In honor of my friends who are pulling all nighters as we speak (Actually, it's not quite 10 am, so not as we speak, but over the course of the last several nights when we weren't speaking but I was sleeping. Plus we're not speaking right now. I know that. I really do.), I have compiled a list of things which are not theses. That way, if there is any confusion at their own defenses, they can turn to me, the ultimate authority.

Please note that this blog post is now peer-reviewed. Meaning you are my peers, and you are reviewing it as you read it. Sufficient? I think yes.

Things Which Are Not Theses

  • A collection of used coffee filters.
  • A demonstration of proper mopping techniques.
  • A video recording of your phone alarm.
  • A dramatic reading of "Total Eclipse of the Heart."
  • First name alternatives to "Topanga."
  • Acne cream.
  • The perfect replica of your apartment...on The Sims.
  • A campus wide flash mob involving bubble wrap and chewing gum.
  • The 24-hour penguin cam on
  • Any quotation by Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.
  • An interpretive dance to "The Call" by the Backstreet Boys.
  • Post-it notes identifying the proper names and locations for all facial and body piercings. Clothing optional.
  • A hockey brawl, complete with sweaty pads.
  • A viral video of a baby who is afraid of her cat's whiskers.
  • Botox.
I hope this has clarified any confusion that my friends are facing. If not, you know how to get ahold of me. If you don't know how to get ahold of me, I probably want to keep it that way.


  1. Let's be honest... there is no alternative to Topanga

  2. I know. Her hair screams that name.

  3. I wrote a lot of my thesis notes on burger king wrappers. For some reason, that was frowned-upon as well.

    Where was this list when I was in college??? I needed you.

  4. I'm sorry! To tell you the truth, if you were lost in Idaho while in college, I was not very far away from you...

    1. I was a Cali boy back then, which I don't regret. I'm close to BYU-I and some of the stories coming out of that campus make me groan.